What is it?
What else can I do?
I live "the dream" as I've heard many say--I wake up and go where I want when I want. Now I live on an island working at a dive shop. What more to live, than an easy going one?
Why is it that I'm always searching for something that I seem I'll never find? I have no idea what it looks like, what it feels like, or anything of the sort. I don't even know that it exists. Yet I'll never give up. I'm always on the go--searching and keeping watch for signs and stairs to the next path and journey. But what else can I do?
I can't just keep searching for something that could not even be there.
I'm tired, and overwhelmed, there is no one to keep up my spirits for me to strive to keep going like I have for years--not that its their duty, but I need the support from time to time.
I'm lost in a dark cave searching for the light that I've never seen. When will the rocks shave to the side for the light to drift in? Will it be on my dying day?
Let us hope not.
I want to be an example that--in life you don't need all the necessities in it as everyone has told you-you just need you and your spirit with great dreams--how can I prove that when I'm struggling myself?
---Yes struggles only make you stronger and lead you to become better--I realize this--but 23 years straight of this is really getting tough.
Let it be just the beginning of a girl on a great journey, that will one day rest and be happy with EVERYTHING in her life. Mark her words-as you should write yours.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hurricane of Dreams
Just the insights and flashes of last nights brain movie...
I was in a K-Mart more so like the one here in the islands not like the ones in the states- it was more of a Costco or Sams than your typical white trash bluelight special.
It was a big open floor plan more like a warehouse but with finished walls painted bright white. Several pillars held its structure throughout the floor plan.
There where shoes, and home-furnishings, food, and for some reason a seashell section to decorate your bathroom with...(I don't know just something I remember seeing)
Anyways on to the dream--it involved three people my sister Megan (who was MUCH younger than she is now), Austin (a former boyfriend of 4 years back in highschool, who is now happily married) and myself.
Austin and I where trying to gather each other slowly back into one another's lives again--I knew that there was a falling out in my dream but he wasn't married in the dream-- He wanted to go to this K-Mart to get a gift for his Father for his birthday and he called me to meet up with him. I brought my sister along--there was no parentals in the dream and I was her caregiver-- She and I had to get Hurricane supplies anyways so it tended to work out--
Megan and I where getting our supplies as well as playing around (knowing the hurricane was close we where being careless and taking our time after procrastinating for the supplies,) after finding our things we met up with Austin and he was having troubles trying to find a gift so I was lending support and ideas--straying a little away from Austin, and Megan trailing a little behind me, just looking at different ideas, I look back and make sure to have an eye on Megan---
and just at that moment the winds start HOWLING outside around and above the building--Austin and I met eyes--he had a horrified look on his face, as I have a moment of panic trying to locate Megan and scream for her to get close to me--I hold her under my chest and cover her head--I'm screaming again for Austin and he can't get to us-- I'm reaching out trying so hard to get him and cover Megan at the same time. The winds rip the buildings foundation all around us- the walls are crumbling, the pillars are crashing, the ceiling is caving, and all I could do was act like it was a carnival attraction (the whirling and winds on a ride, spinning you in circles almost causing you to get sick from so much going on, the lights, and gravity working with and against you its somewhat fun and thrilling but you are ready for the ride to end)--trying to be strong for the both of them-- Austin after climbing and leaping over fallin displays and debris finally reaches us and lays his body over both Megan and me. Through the cracks and spaces of his body I see the lights flickering, and feel his heart racing as well as his moaning from things falling all over him--the weight was almost unbearable trying to keep lifted enough so Megan could be able to actually move and breathe underneath us-
Once Austin felt that it was safe he rolled off the top of us and the gray skies surrounded us like the fog in a forest. As quickly as it came, the winds flew away only to leave a downpour slowly creeping towards us, standing in what once was an aisle, we all just stood there--I don't recall any other customers around--it was just us three in the middle of what felt like no where. Our tears were being drowned out by the sprinkles that started the heavy rains--it was beautiful but yet so lonely--like we were the only ones left to live.
I was in a K-Mart more so like the one here in the islands not like the ones in the states- it was more of a Costco or Sams than your typical white trash bluelight special.
It was a big open floor plan more like a warehouse but with finished walls painted bright white. Several pillars held its structure throughout the floor plan.
There where shoes, and home-furnishings, food, and for some reason a seashell section to decorate your bathroom with...(I don't know just something I remember seeing)
Anyways on to the dream--it involved three people my sister Megan (who was MUCH younger than she is now), Austin (a former boyfriend of 4 years back in highschool, who is now happily married) and myself.
Austin and I where trying to gather each other slowly back into one another's lives again--I knew that there was a falling out in my dream but he wasn't married in the dream-- He wanted to go to this K-Mart to get a gift for his Father for his birthday and he called me to meet up with him. I brought my sister along--there was no parentals in the dream and I was her caregiver-- She and I had to get Hurricane supplies anyways so it tended to work out--
Megan and I where getting our supplies as well as playing around (knowing the hurricane was close we where being careless and taking our time after procrastinating for the supplies,) after finding our things we met up with Austin and he was having troubles trying to find a gift so I was lending support and ideas--straying a little away from Austin, and Megan trailing a little behind me, just looking at different ideas, I look back and make sure to have an eye on Megan---
and just at that moment the winds start HOWLING outside around and above the building--Austin and I met eyes--he had a horrified look on his face, as I have a moment of panic trying to locate Megan and scream for her to get close to me--I hold her under my chest and cover her head--I'm screaming again for Austin and he can't get to us-- I'm reaching out trying so hard to get him and cover Megan at the same time. The winds rip the buildings foundation all around us- the walls are crumbling, the pillars are crashing, the ceiling is caving, and all I could do was act like it was a carnival attraction (the whirling and winds on a ride, spinning you in circles almost causing you to get sick from so much going on, the lights, and gravity working with and against you its somewhat fun and thrilling but you are ready for the ride to end)--trying to be strong for the both of them-- Austin after climbing and leaping over fallin displays and debris finally reaches us and lays his body over both Megan and me. Through the cracks and spaces of his body I see the lights flickering, and feel his heart racing as well as his moaning from things falling all over him--the weight was almost unbearable trying to keep lifted enough so Megan could be able to actually move and breathe underneath us-
Once Austin felt that it was safe he rolled off the top of us and the gray skies surrounded us like the fog in a forest. As quickly as it came, the winds flew away only to leave a downpour slowly creeping towards us, standing in what once was an aisle, we all just stood there--I don't recall any other customers around--it was just us three in the middle of what felt like no where. Our tears were being drowned out by the sprinkles that started the heavy rains--it was beautiful but yet so lonely--like we were the only ones left to live.
Wrap around life...
Just a start a wrap around of what is to come, life is nothing in it necisities and we just spill over each other with no common recollection.
Its sickining to think of when it comes down to it. Doubtful that it will ever change and brought myself to be very different, how do I not fall into step?
Gears that turn and unwind themselves make the world a magnet for what may happen over and then repeat. We need more, more meaning, more sense, more of what that is our beings exestience.
Conforming we all will and or have done. Not a pretty sight and it tends to lead to disaster, what will bring the good?
Its sickining to think of when it comes down to it. Doubtful that it will ever change and brought myself to be very different, how do I not fall into step?
Gears that turn and unwind themselves make the world a magnet for what may happen over and then repeat. We need more, more meaning, more sense, more of what that is our beings exestience.
Conforming we all will and or have done. Not a pretty sight and it tends to lead to disaster, what will bring the good?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Chapter 1: Just the "About Me"
I love the sound of thunder and the bright flash of lightning at any time of day.
I love the sound of a record playing.
I love the windows down in my car, while my hand is in the wind, with really loud music playing, down the back dirt roads of western Kansas.
I love to wander off into the wild and never know if I'll return.
I love walking in cowboy boots in the tall grasses in the early morning, when the sun just awoke and the dew is shimmering at its brightest.
I hate being cold but love to play in the snow.
I love the sound of someone typing really fast.
I love to drive just to drive never to have a destination.
I hate when people ignore others.
I hate when people complain when they have a choice.
I love the sound a jump rope makes when it hits the ground.
I love the feeling I get when sitting in a cafeteria having lunch.
I hate the sound of the clutch when someone puts it into the wrong gear.
I love the feeling I get when I'm on an adventure but hate that I don't have someone to share it with......
I, being in touch with concepts and ideas, am known to be universal. I am somewhat detached from personal emotions within myself. Its not that I don't have feelings; it's just that mine are different from most others. I dance to the beat of a very different drummer. My greatest strenght is the eclectic way of seeing things.
"Great spirits often encounter opposition from mediocre minds."
I tend to set apart from the crowd, even when I'm right in the middle of it. I appear easygoing, but my mind is likely to measure every emotion, which tends to keep passion in check. Displaying strong feelings is not easy for me at all, even if that's what I'm sensing inside myself. I tend to appear pretty open, so it seems like I'm highly accessible, which I am...but more on a mental than an emotional level. I have ideas, explanations and well-defined theories to describe my behavior as if I were talking of someone else. Yet being intimate and personal goes beyond language, which tends to be less familiar and more uncomfortable territory.
I come across as calm, steady and down to earth. Avoiding conflict is a major part of my approach to the world, preferring to keep my feelings to myself. I appear patient and easygoing, rarely coming across as demanding or difficult but at certain times I can be. Calming tense situations I tend to be fairly good at. But a resistance to revealing my true feelings is always something I battle with. I'm always prepared to help the world in any way I can. At times I yearn for it...
Now you at least will have an insight to the mind if you decide to come back and read--to know where I come from and a little of how I think... But my thoughts and emotions are at a constant rotation for a fair warning.
I love the sound of a record playing.
I love the windows down in my car, while my hand is in the wind, with really loud music playing, down the back dirt roads of western Kansas.
I love to wander off into the wild and never know if I'll return.
I love walking in cowboy boots in the tall grasses in the early morning, when the sun just awoke and the dew is shimmering at its brightest.
I hate being cold but love to play in the snow.
I love the sound of someone typing really fast.
I love to drive just to drive never to have a destination.
I hate when people ignore others.
I hate when people complain when they have a choice.
I love the sound a jump rope makes when it hits the ground.
I love the feeling I get when sitting in a cafeteria having lunch.
I hate the sound of the clutch when someone puts it into the wrong gear.
I love the feeling I get when I'm on an adventure but hate that I don't have someone to share it with......
I, being in touch with concepts and ideas, am known to be universal. I am somewhat detached from personal emotions within myself. Its not that I don't have feelings; it's just that mine are different from most others. I dance to the beat of a very different drummer. My greatest strenght is the eclectic way of seeing things.
"Great spirits often encounter opposition from mediocre minds."
I tend to set apart from the crowd, even when I'm right in the middle of it. I appear easygoing, but my mind is likely to measure every emotion, which tends to keep passion in check. Displaying strong feelings is not easy for me at all, even if that's what I'm sensing inside myself. I tend to appear pretty open, so it seems like I'm highly accessible, which I am...but more on a mental than an emotional level. I have ideas, explanations and well-defined theories to describe my behavior as if I were talking of someone else. Yet being intimate and personal goes beyond language, which tends to be less familiar and more uncomfortable territory.
I come across as calm, steady and down to earth. Avoiding conflict is a major part of my approach to the world, preferring to keep my feelings to myself. I appear patient and easygoing, rarely coming across as demanding or difficult but at certain times I can be. Calming tense situations I tend to be fairly good at. But a resistance to revealing my true feelings is always something I battle with. I'm always prepared to help the world in any way I can. At times I yearn for it...
Now you at least will have an insight to the mind if you decide to come back and read--to know where I come from and a little of how I think... But my thoughts and emotions are at a constant rotation for a fair warning.
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